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October 16, 2003
the closure
there are some things in life i will never have a chance for closure. i wrote the following on a lonely friday night. i wanted to take advantage of my temporary misery. we all know that misery breeds creativity. i wanted to be productive so i took out my laptop and simply started writing. below is a script of a supposed conversation that i would have liked to have had with make-up muscle, he is someone i care for very deeply.
maybe it was 'psychotic' and pretentious of me to have written this (must be the drama queen in me). i am risking rididule for my melodrama. however, by the time i finished writing my so-called would-be conversation, it was almost as if it did happen. i was blessed with so much serenity afterwards. life is funny this way, huh?
hence, my closure. enjoy the read.
*****
makeup muscle: "it's been about 10 months! how are you doing?"
me: "i'm good. how have you been?"
"i've been doing well. working constantly. so, what was it that you wanted to talk about?"
"well, my reasons for bringing you here are purely for selfish reasons."
"i'm listening."
pause.
"i've come to the conclusion that i am in love with you."
pause.
"uh."
"let me elaborate. i don't want to rehash the past. it's quite the contrary. nothing could be further from the truth."
"so why am i here?"
"i have this beautiful secret. i am going to explode if i am not given the chance to reveal it. and, i'm not here to analyze what went wrong between us. instead, i'm here to tell you the things i'm taking away."
pause.
"i had a moment of clarity. i was in a very happy and peaceful state of mind. i asked myself, 'what would complete my happiness?' you know what the answer was?"
"what was it?"
"nothing would make me happier than seeing you happy, whether it's with someone else or just being happy in general."
"really?"
"yes. it's better to have given love than to have received. if i were to die tomorrow, i would feel like an accomplished man. i knew how it felt... to give love and to house so much life due to it."
pause.
"are you sure it was love?"
"actually, it took quite awhile for me to be convinced. i kept on insisting that it couldn't be. but i've missed you so much, and it's been very difficult. and the images of you kept on beating as strong. i don't want you to think that i say it without meaning or i say it lightly. there was a tear inside here. i didn't realize how severe it was until much later."
pause.
"this is not easy for me. also, i knew this conversation will make you uncomfortable. but i'm not asking for reciprocity. i care not for it. all in all, i come to thank you."
"i'm not sure what to say."
"i'm saying 'thank you' to you. you can say you're welcome. but it's not required."
"you're welcome."
"thank you. i saw a glimpse of love, and i'm taking it with me. it's in the form of a special person(s) in my future."
"i'm at a loss for words."
"you don't have to say anything. i just hope you were with open mind to accept what i had to tell you. if not, that's okay. i know i took quite a risk by admitting this to you."
"i appreciate you telling me this."
"in the end, i felt i had no choice. you were my vehicle to love. and now, i've never been this happy in my entire life."
"what if i tell you that i feel the same way?"
"i know you don't. but it wouldn't matter anyways. i did not come to you to rekindle romance. i would be kidding myself if i say that i am totally opposed to it. but at this time, i believe i have to move on. if we were to reignite whatever we had, i have yet to prove myself."
"i think you've proven yourself."
"no, i have not. i'm trying to prove myself to me. as a first step, we can start by being friends. this is something that i want in my life."
"yes, definitely. i would like that."
"there's three things that come to mind when i think of you."
"oh yeah? what's that?"
"#1, i would never forget our first kiss on that snowy evening. the cold wind was intense. i can not get it out of my mind how good you tasted. you were the sweetest and warmest kiss i never expected."
pause.
"#2, at 3 o'clock in the morning, sleeping side by side on the bed - you carressed me on my hand and kissed me in the middle of my back for no reason. i don't think you knew i was awake, but i was. it was an incredible feeling."
pause.
"and #3, when I think of you, i will always think of your smile. i will think of your face. i will think of your posture. you are such a beautiful man. i get goosebumps just thinking of you."
pause.
"i hope it gives you great satisfaction to know that someone has fallen in love with you just being yourself. i'm not the first. and i know i'm not the last who would."
"that's very kind of you."
"also you, you are not my last. admitting it makes me feel like i'm on top of the world. it feels wonderful. people will see just how beautiful i am because of this, and they will fall in love even harder than with the way i have with you."
"you will find it. and, you will have it infinitely greater than what we had."
"i know i will."
we hug and then go our separate ways.
*****
best case scenario: we go out to movies periodically throughout the year as friends. winner: both.
worst case scenario: we don't. winner: just me.
all in all, isn't life so grand? how sweet can victory be if the fight was easy?
original posting: october 16/2003
revised posting: june 9/2004
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