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November 06, 2003
virgin again
i was recently asked why i refrain from sex. i'm paraphrasing, but here's the consensus: "what is it that keeps you from sex? why do you punish yourself? you're in your prime. you should be out there with dozens of guys." my stance on this subject is best illustrated by a monologue by tony ward in the documentary film 'sex life in l.a.':
"[sex]...i want to wait. i want to save it for something special and somebody special. i want to create somebody special... me."
pause.
"...i guess that's where i am going back to... i'm a virgin. it's all in here. it's what we think of ourselves."
i saw 'sex life in l.a.' about a year ago. it follows the everyday life of 8 single men in the sex industry. a horrible film, except for the scenes with tony ward. he used to be one of madonna's former boytoys. he appeared in the video 'justify my love'. tony was sincere and i was floored when i realized i felt the exact same way as his little soliloquy quoted above. i had to write down his exact speech per verbatum. here's the continuation of this speech:
"i don't have sex often these days.
pause.
why? because it's the anticlimax."
at about the same time last year, summer was done, but i was still high on a lot of promiscuous sex. week after week after week. it got to a point where i got really tired of it all. it wasn't "fun" anymore. sex, no matter how hot the guy was or how in sync i was with a partner, i would still come out thinking: 'great cardio, but so what?' i became indifferent and in a way, immune to good or even great sex. it's like smoking, you don't do because you like it. you just do it.
i'm not totally oppose to casual sex, afterall, i am human too. and, as a 25 year old, my drive is always up the wall. i do go out there and get laid. during last summer, i even made a rule that i will only have sex with one guy every two weeks, perhaps less, but no more. this was my prescription. moderation became my responsibility. (*i didn't follow it very well.*)
i know that i should just let go. i should just go ahead and fuck my brains out with the next cute guy i see. but i know in the morning, i would feel absolutely horrid. i felt inanimate. to each his own, but i'm not comfortable with leaving feelings out the door in order to get off with another guy. nevertheless, i'm comfortable with my chosen route.
i don't know how he does it. or for that matter, him as well. i commend you boys. so i'm thankful for your blogs because i'm living vicariously through you. in a huge way, a score for you is a score for me.
i can't wait to score my own goal. in the meantime, i'm a virgin again (sort of).
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