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December 12, 2003
two fishbowls: finks, fucks, tricks, licks & lucks
 so here i am looking at two glasses. one is labelled good. the other, bad. i pick up the good glass and empty its contents. i'm reminded of that saying: you reap what you sow.
*****
some men still have a black book containing phone numbers of previous fucks, tricks, potential dates and/or lost opportunities. my good friend scuba kept a fishbowl of phone numbers instead. scuba showed me this fishbowl two years ago. last year, i followed suit.
i thought it'd be interesting to pile 'em up in fishbowl fashion as i have accumulated phone numbers myself. in the summer of 2002, the pile grew. and grew. and grew. i was amused by the pile that i decided to buy two glasses to contain them in. i found myself sorting each one either to the good glass or the bad glass.
looking for a credit card receipt this past weekend, i come across the very same two glasses. they've been buried under unending receipts. i haven't seen them in awhile, so i take them out and place them on top of the counter. i contemplate. i reach for the good glass and turn it over. i sift through them one by one. i reminisce. there are some notable men. here are a few:
* R&J. i met this couple at woody's last october 2002. [section omitted] but i'm not about to initiate sex with them again.
* greek boy. now, he's a sexy man! i met him at a club two summers ago. he told me he had a boyfriend which didn't seem to stop him. the last time i saw him was back in july. he invited me to come over to his place, but i had plans with R&J. i also ran into him at a mutual friend's party. we were both happy to see each other. he's definitely a potential for another booty call. he'd definitely want second and third servings. he he he. so there we go. i'll put his number aside and move on to the next guy.
 * make-up muscle. i met him last november 2002. it was around 1:30am. while heading home from a bar, i walked passed make-up muscle and his friend. i must've been half a block away when make-up muscle's friend yells out to me. i was hesitant to talk because i was sort of drunk and i just wanted to get home. the yelling persisted. so, i waited for them to catch up to me. apparently, make-up muscle recognized me from the toronto international film festival five years ago. i guess i made a very good impression way back then. but, at the time i wasn't fully out of the closet. his friend invited me to come dance with them at the club, but i decline. we still traded numbers though.
make-up muscle is one of the few men who i've had strong feelings for, and yet never had sex with. we slept naked carressing in each other's beds probably 10 or 11 times over the course of a month. there's still a sensitive spot in my heart. anyways, he's a dead end and i'm not about to call him... although he did call to greet me happy birthday... next!
* psychoman. what the hell is he doing in the good pile? as you can probably tell by his name, he was bad news. i guess he was on the good pile because... well, he was actually great sex. he was quite an adventure. i met him at my old gym and asked him out on a date. but he's a separate post altogether. and no, i have no plans to call him ever again. i want none of his drama... next.
* partyplanner. i met him also at woody's. i complimented him on the red shirt he was wearing that night. i told him he was strikingly handsome, but i didn't want sex. still, i thought i'd pass on some positive energy before i headed home. a month later, he recognized me. apparently, he's been searching for me ever since. he thought i was cute. we clicked. i liked this guy ALOT. but, you know how gay guys are. we're stupid. obviously, it didn't work out. i knew i wrote about him in my blog before, so i looked it up. this is what i wrote back in my august 10/03 posting:
>>>partyplanner - fuck you. and fuck you i did. you are one of the most memorable lays. not because you were good, but because i was great. although it helps that you were there. parting words? we coulda hadda something there. would i come back for seconds? only for love baby. no matter how good the sex, only for love. next!
 * TIFF guy. i have his business card. i question why i placed this guy on the good pile. he must've had some redeeming quality. well, he is cute if i recall accurately, but i was drunk when we met. i normally wouldn't go for a guy like him. why? he reminds me of someone. but i was easy that night. i was still grieving after make-up muscle. TIFF guy was the last addition to my fishbowls of numbers.
other than business cards, no one gives each other's numbers in pieces of paper anymore. it's now in the act of exchanging numbers via digit-punching on cellphones. should i call TIFF guy for a booty call? i'll put him on the maybe list for now.... next.
there's about five more numbers and i won't detail the rest because frankly, i'm getting lazy writing and secondly, some are the same story all over again and will become repetitive. some are great sex. some have psychological issues. some are too needy. within a year's time, i only have one guy i want to call, and one on the maybe list. so, i look at the glass with the 'bad' label. i empty it. it's five times more than the 'good' pile. it's depressing.
i look through the names written in chicken-scratch. i shoot one guy down at a time: no, he bites. no, he smells. no, he's a total top. no, three-ways only. no, he's an american and he's out of town. no, it's a she. no, that's my ex-girlfriend. yadda yadda yadda.
so then, i pick up my cellphone to look through the directory. there's some repetition like greek boy or make-up muscle. but there's more:
* there's baystreet boy. oh god. there's another liar. he's the only guy bold enough to tell me he has STRONG feelings for me. the last time we fooled around was back in early september. i called in sick at work the day after my brother's wedding. everytime i come over to his place, we end up having sex. we chatted two days after in which he tells me that he misses me alot as he had not seen me in weeks. i reminded him that we fucked two days prior. caught him on that lie. so yeah, he's toxic. pass.
* remingtonman. i wrote about him a number of times on my blog. he's another boy with a boyfriend. i saw him this past saturday and greeted him a happy birthday. it was nice to see him.  boyfriend or not, i just called remingtonman and invited him over to my place. he's more than willing, but busy with the holidays. we're hooking up sometime next week.
i look through the rest of my cellphone directory. who is frank t? who's david? who's andrew v? this is just in the last four months because my phone is newly replaced. but i don't remember who these guys are. obviously, they're not worth calling as they didn't leave a major impression on me to remember them by.
sex with any of the above mentioned boys will satisfy physical needs, and i don't expect this exercise to make me happy. i think that's important to remember. i don't know if i'll be able to go through with this, but i'll keep my readers upbreast.
*****
i'm going back to my original thought: you reap what you sow. a year has passed and this is all i have to show for? this is very sad. i need to continue sowing more. i'm not sowing for more tricks-on-the-side. i'm sowing for me. i have confidence that IT will come, love. i just have to continue to persevere, be persistent and remain determined.
original post: December 12, 2003
revised post: September 9, 2004
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