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November 19, 2003
the hiv project part one: the victim
i have to be very careful as this posting involves two very special people in my life: R&J. who's R&J? they are a couple that i have been involved with sexually and romantically for almost a year. i think it's about time i finally write about what happened two months ago.
i wasn't sure how to approach writing about R&J. i ended up with many drafts. eventually, i tried to write it with an objective eye, as objective a person in my situation can be. i am not attacking R&J's actions, but i am not defending it either. in september, i received a dose of reality. they confronted me with some truth, or rather "truth" was kept from me. there are things that should be at the forefront. it's not.
*****
"condoms are enough to protect yourself, maloney." says one.
"you have to assume that everyone you come in contact with is HIV positive." says another.
don't give this lecture. i'm not naive. i already know this. god, i know about the community! "why have you not told me this before?" i asked. there were plenty of opportunities to have this out in the open. after months of seeing each other and having sexual relations, i was given this excuse: "i figured you already knew. we assumed you knew."
"there's never a good time to bring up bad news." i was given this other excuse. eleven months later, the colours finally come out... R&J are both HIV positive. they are justifying their actions but it only pounds an anvil to my chest. i wanted to cry. i didn't. looking back, maybe i should've.
no matter how they sugar coat the situation, i was lied to. i sat down and fell silent. i was angry. my health was put at risk. but mostly, i was heartbroken. i have established very strong feelings for these two men. however, their image has been tainted. my trust in them - compromised. it's difficult to regain. and yet, i was concerned that i would lose R&J in my life. our discussion ends with me telling them that i do want to remain friends, but in the meantime, i need space.
time and again, when you're down, there's nothing like the support of good friends. i never felt alone. but the massive support i received only encouraged great indignation. my initial heartbreak dissipated and was replaced by my friends' anger. i did my research. i sought help. i got tested. i spoke to counsellors, nurses, and legal reps. what i found out was that a crime was committed - it's considered unconsensual sex. to draw a parallel, it's almost like rape. for R&J not to disclose this information, i did not fully consent to have sex. there is a loophole, however, which is the practice of safe sex. contracting the virus is close to miniscule with the use of a condom, therefore it's somewhat permissable. the law is very grey on this area, but as geekslut says, it's just "rude" not to disclose this information.
in the words of sunshine girl, 'R&J are murderers, maloney'.
medical girl tells me, "they put your life in danger."
even psychic man has been adamant in getting my permission so he can beat up "those idiotic clowns".
so much anger from one camp of heterosexuals, and then compare this to the ho-hum reaction of my few gay friends. "that's just the way it is. it happens all the time, maloney. not many people know it." says my former roomate polish sausage. i was puzzled with this response and so i consulted another gay friend four weeks later. my friend, the cynic, is someone i would normally NOT divulge personal information to because i know him for being a "blabber mouth". i took the risk anyways. the cynic had the same response. "80% of the gay population are HIV positive. no one talks about it. you used a condom, you should be fine."
i started thinking perhaps i've been going at this the wrong way. this is not the first time i have encountered a situation of this nature. about two years ago, i had an encounter with a guy let's call *tall-bouncer*. we chatted. we clicked. i went home with him. prior to getting heated in the bedroom, he informed me he was HIV positive. i was taken aback, but i still eventually pursued. i can't say that i regret it, because it turned out to be mind-blowin' sex.
nevertheless, i give this example because tall-bouncer gave me a choice. if in the event that the test results show i was positive for HIV, i have no one but myself to blame. R&J took that choice away from me. i felt violated. the law hints that it was a form of rape. when were R&J planning to tell me? after i'm finally infected? if i was a trick for a one-night stand, i should expect something like this.
however, i developed a strong connection with R&J that i can not easily sever. we had endless bouts of passion. it was exciting. it was beautiful. and now, i'm paying for it. i refuse to think of myself as a victim. how am i suppose to move on?
sitting on the nurse's office, i get my results back and it's negative. i exhaled out deeply, in relief.
*****
on a side note, to the many men and women i have spoken to... in the clinic and aids helpline. i thank you. i was overwhelmed by your kindness. i was treated with such respect, genuine care and true interest. to mike & craig, the two cute nurses who was patient and expressed their anger on my behalf, your guidance was very much appreciated. i'm sure you encounter many people and yet your heart has remained warm. this only reminds me to send you a formal thank you letter. (n.b. i would ask you both on a date, separately ofcourse, but a relationship is the last thing i need right now.)
to be continued tomorrow...
soundtrack: 'rome wasn't built in a day' by morcheeba. [ lyrics ] almost everything is a process. life is a process. things do not generally happen overnight. patience is an asset.
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