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November 20, 2003
the hiv project part two: extricating the wound
"we didn't want to risk losing you."
"it's not about losing me. it's an issue of respect." i say.
i asked R&J for space. they gave me news i wasn't prepared to hear. "how long? how much time do you need?" their phonecalls were constant. "i dunno," was my reply. "i'm confused. i'm hurt. i'm angry." how have they allowed this to go unmentioned for so long? friends do not do this to each other. "i just need more time to sort things out." they seem to understand.
in the four or five weeks afterwards, i stopped almost all communication with R&J. i was given so much pressure from my other friends not to continue this so-called friendship and pursue reporting this incident to public health. i tried my best not to dwell, so i busied myself with as much things as possible. i put on a brave front, but i was torn inside. i don't know if i can forgive them, but it's such an expensive price to pay. deep down, i felt as though i lost two members of my family.
days were passing by, days became weeks. no answers were in sight. things have not been sorted.
*****
about six years ago, i went to school for a three-year creative advertising program. it was around this time that i went through the most difficult period in my life. but then, i started turning my life around for the better. i started my own "inspiration box".
the box is self-explanatory, it is the box of ideas. if there is any tangible object which inspires me, i will put it in the box for future reference. it can be pictures, words, poems, essays, little memorabilia and trinkets of this sort.
one of the things i have kept safe is an article of an american soldier accidentally killing an innocent young boy in *bosnia*. in the newspaper clipping, the american soldier had such tremendous guilt. "please don't forgive me." the soldier cried to the father of the deceased boy.
what's so special about this story is that the father is welcoming the soldier with open arms. he is forgiving the soldier. the father replies, "it was an accident. this death was not intentional. he could not have helped it." anyways, when i first read this article, i was so moved. i was in awe of the soldier's genuine regret. but i was even more in awe of the father's ability to forgive. forgiveness is not easy to hand out. everyone knows this.
 was it idiotic for the father to forgive his son's killer? no.
does this incident mean the father loves his son any less? no.
i was inspired. but would i be able to forgive someone who accidently kills my family?
i don't think i would be able to. i have a strong desire to, but i know i would have too great of a resentment to be able to let it slide off my chest and forgive. still, i find the article very uplifting that i decide to add it in my 'inspiration box' . i saw it as a future screenplay idea i could further expand on.
[*n.b: i can't remember the exact country. but very likely, it was bosnia (if not serbia). i took the newspaper article out of the 'inspiration box' to read. i might've accidentally thrown it the recycle bin because i can't seem to find it anywhere!]
*****
back to present time october 2003: i'm not in the habit of going through the 'inspiration box', but somehow i felt summoned to. i wasn't looking for anything in particular. i sifted through lots of junk, before i came across a two page spread from the toronto star of a gigantic sale at the bay. the sale happened two summers ago.
i looked on the other side of the newspaper spread and read through a hodge-podge of newspaper articles. probing further, i found the article with the picture of a crying US soldier. i read through it, and again i felt just as lifted as i did two summers ago. that's when i began to ponder. i have housed hurt and antipathy. i want it stopped. i became a slave to it. i needed to let go. i wanted to follow the bosnian man's example of forgiveness. this desire became so forceful.
still, i had to remind myself to think objectively. i had to weigh the pros & cons. R&J would be great life-long allies. does forgiving R&J mean i do not respect myself? must i stick to my guns against this injustice? yes, my health was compromised. but, i'm still healthy. no harm was done. so why am i holding on to negativity? it's almost pointless. i started to declare to myself: i'm not a victim. i was merely bruised.
this is when i returned R&J's many messages and agreed to talk in person. it was a difficult conversation, but alot of truths came out. i'm glad it did. i told them that i never really wanted to pursue a committed relationship, it just sort of headed in that direction. my decision not to continue seeing them romantically has nothing to do with the fact that they are HIV positive. that's not even an issue. infact, i'm not oppose to dating someone who is positive. i told R&J that while my feelings for them are strong, i'm not in love with them. i can only imagine how difficult it is to hear. but still, i never did lead them on. i do, however, wanted the friendship to evolve to the next level. this is when R&J told me that i was becoming 'family'.
i made the plunge onto the deep side of the pool and took R&J to the symphony [see posting dated 11/2/2003 10:04:40 AM.] many will not appreciate my decision to resume my friendship with R&J. while others might even view this as an issue of insecurity. though that's not the case, i'm not going to try to convince. so let it be. it's not for every person to understand.
i am not defending R&J. what they did was wrong. but the desire to be a better person persists. i have not forgiven them fully. extricating wounds are always a slow process. i can't rush it.
either way, judgment will rain upon me from my readers. i welcome it.
soundtrack: 'it's my life' by no doubt [ lyrics ] how appropriate, huh?
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