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December 29, 2005
getting stood up
last night, i got extremely angry at myself. i got too worked up with a prospect, party planner. i told myself i wasn't going to get all worked up, but i did. why do i do this to myself?
we were supposed to have an official "date" this past weekend, but things didn't pan out. this "date" was put into the sidelines and things turned into a phone tagging contest. in a way, i got stood up.
after each incident, i have to reassess if he's worth dealing with, and everytime i come away giving him the benefit of the doubt. actions speak louder than words. and his actions are not consistent. for example, he doesn't call when he says he's going to, a major red flag. something else always comes up. this was why i dropped him back during springtime in the first place. i'm tired of playing games. i know he wants to see me as much as i want to see him. but i don't know where things are going wrong even before anything has even started.
i asked party planner if he had a boyfriend. he said no. i believe him. but when he calls and when we talk, things are great again.
last night, after coming out of a movie with a friend, i realized he hasn't called to set up our plans for the evening. i felt stupid waiting for a call that might not come. since he hasn't called when he says he's going to, i've decided to have dinner and watch another movie with my friend instead. i called him. it's his answering machine. so i left him a neutral message indicating he hasn't called so i've made other plans.
my bit of anger coloured my mood for the rest of the evening that i passed on seeing another movie and went home instead. i'm angry at myself for letting this little incident get the better of me. on the streetcar home, i encounter peroxide nurse and merman, a couple i met at a party. they have invited me to their place a few times but plans always seem to dissolve into thin air. i have no intentions of going to bed with them. i'm physically attracted to nurseboy but not his boyfriend. my position almost changed last night as i was riding high from my stupor with party planner. they wanted me to join them as they make their rounds on the gay village. tempting but i decline.
right at 10pm, party planner calls. and, we're good again. something is wrong.
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